Question:
hey everyone.......easy 10 points.?
Riei
2009-05-03 22:29:42 UTC
this is the first chapter of the novel I'm currently making. Its a detective novel with a slight fantasy and supernatural basis since the protagonist is a vampire. please read it and tell me anything. any comments at all.... hey! I know its long and will definitely take some time. but do please read it.

Chapter 1:
It’s cold and raining. The weather today is awfully foreboding. As one walks down the aisles of London, a chill will sweep through their veins as the dwellers of darkness reigns after the sun sets. Fleet Street, Queen Victoria Street, the Charing Cross Station, White Chapel up to the known place you could find the world renowned detective, Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street are but a few places where evil is amidst. Leave the ordinary and difficult cases to Sherlock for there are more than enough cases in London that even the greatest detective could not unveil.

Sacain Allen, a not so famous detective that searches for truth. The only thing that differ him from Sherlock is that he investigates and roams the City of London during the deadliest and dangerous time for all, the night. So why would he wander the streets of a perilous city at its nocturnal time that even the moon hides itself?

A young lad at the age of fifteen unafraid of the dark and the danger it brings searches for clues of the case he was asked to resolve by one of his not so favorite clients. Together with his assistant Lawrence Michaelis, they visit the eerie street of Lambeth Street.

The door opened at one of the evening bars found on Lambeth Street, it is owned by a friend of theirs named Martin. Allen and Lawrence went in and sat across the master’s bar as eyes followed them until they had something ordered to drink.

“Well, this is a surprise! What brought you here at my bar, Monsieur Sacain?” The master spoke in a sardonic tone handing his customer a glass of juice.

The lad took the glass of juice to his hand and drank as the man besides him responded to the master with his cool voice, he said, “Master, we came here to ask you if you know something about the peculiar happenings that has occurred lately throughout the city?”

“Oh My! Right out of the bat, aren’t we? Such straight forwardness, Law.”

“Well, aren’t you going to answer us?” The young cunning and pleasant voice came from right next to Lawrence which gave the master quite a bit of surprise. “Eeek! He finally spoke! I hate this cheeky little brat!” Martin whispers to himself. He gave a faint smile and said, “Aren’t you in a hurry Monsieur? There’s no need to rush.”

“Just answer the question Martin!” Allen said glaring at the master with is bright emerald-green eyes. It gave the master the shivers. He really hates those eyes even though he actually thought that those are real emeralds and a real beauty he can’t help himself but to despise it.

The master stood up straight, holding a clean cloth, wiping the wine glass on his hand; he regains his composure as he let out quite a sigh. “Very well Monsieur, I do not have any information regarding of what you seek, however, there is but rumors that I’ve heard circulating through the city.”

Lawrence and Allen paused and stared at Martin gravely. “Rumors? And what rumors would that be?” Allen asked. The other customers, quite few in fact, paused on the silence and looked upon the master having a dire conversation with the two gentlemen on the bar gazing at one another.

“Listen carefully Monsieur, the rumors I have heard is that the crimes that’s been going around London is awfully dreadful indeed. One of my previous customers said that a few of the Scotland Yard officers that handle the same case you’ve been prying your eyes on were all killed.”

“Prying? ... And? That’s what I have already suspected. So, is there anything else?” Allen said disappointingly.

“Oh do not fret my young Monsieur, if you have no care about your own life then it really does not matter whether a few more dies, is it not? For so may we know, you might be the next prey for our murderer on the loose.” Martin said in a sly voice practically wishing that Allen would die.

They stared at one another, Martin and Allen, until Lawrence finally broke the silence and intervened, “Now, now Master please stop teasing my Young Master already. Would you tell what the rumor is?”

“Very well. You do know that the city is still in a chaotic phase since even the great Sherlock hasn’t captured JTR yet and that Scotland Yard has their hands full on it.”

“JTR, huh? So it’s that guy.” Allen thought.

“And so, as I have said, only a little fraction of the Scotland Yard were dispatched to investigate the same case you are now investigating. I also did mention that no one survived the faction, or so the police announced.”

“What do you mean by it?” Law asked curiously as Allen stares the empty glass of juice looking at his reflected face listening to Martin.

“Let me finish first. The customer that I told you earlier i
Five answers:
little_geisha_doll
2009-05-03 22:35:58 UTC
hmmmmmmm



i really like how you phrase certain things



"So why would he wander the streets of a perilous city at its nocturnal time that even the moon hides itself?"



I find that to be very clever



you have a different writing style

dont know how to put it

But I am intrigued



I like it



keep at it
2009-05-03 22:59:10 UTC
To tell you the truth it seemed a little repetitive to me also for that much to be written not a lot of thing happened maybe you could speed things up a bit? Other than that I liked it though it was a bit boring

well it is the first chapter so that's to be expected
2009-05-03 22:41:21 UTC
your style of writing is different but the content was a bit boring
2009-05-03 22:38:53 UTC
wow i like it...nice and readable..although i think its just me not u that i got mixed up over the characters
renquist_13
2009-05-03 22:33:16 UTC
ummm, you said easy 10 points....you lied....so can i still have those 10 points..?


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